Insecure Keys

I’ve just moved house. I’m not bragging (if I were, I’d tell you I moved to Kensington. I’m not and I didn’t), just stating a fact. Apart from the obvious joys of settling into a new location (pub crawl) and the obvious pitfalls (where the hell is everything?), the main difficulties I’ve encountered so far have ironically been with the internet - usually the most mobile and flexible of entities.

Try to log into an account of yours on anything other than your home computer and suddenly the bars come down - your account is blocked and you’ve got to now prove, through a series of gruelling tests involving reading a jumble of smudgy, incomprehensible letters and remembering what on earth you chose as your memorable name (next time mine will be “irony“), who the hell you are and what the hell you think you’re doing using the internet elsewhere.

Surely one of the key USPs of the internet is the fact that you can use it anywhere. It’s not designed to be restrictive. It’s not designed to be used behind closed and locked doors in the privacy of your own home (apart from the porn. Definitely close and lock the doors). It’s designed to be used everywhere (again, apart from the porn).

Facebook was offended when I tried to log in at my local library - not 100 metres from my house. Apparently that constitutes potential hacking and my account was shut down until I went back home, logged in from there and told Facebook that it was me attempting to log in, so I could then go back to the library and log in from there again. Good use of my, admittedly extensive, free time.

We’ve been so manipulated into being scared about our accounts being hacked (seriously, in the grand scheme of things, how horrific is it really to have some unknown hacker post comments about your sexual preference on your Facebook wall?) that it looks like we’ve had all rights and privileges revoked. We’ve essentially been told to “stay in your room”! It feels like we’re naughty children - given the responsibility of looking after the school bunny rabbit and we’ve been caught in the playground throwing it against a trampoline to see if we can bounce it into the sandpit 50 metres away (answer: it only travels about 4 metres then hops away with a broken foot).

The same can be said for internet banking. I’m a massive fan of internet banking. I love it. I don’t think I’d be wrong in thinking I was probably one of the first 100 people in the world to use internet banking, I was that ready for it. I don’t think I’d be wrong there. And it was perfect. For a few years. Now, however, they’ve ruined it. They’ve started to restrict us. Now, we have to use our “Secure Keys” in order to log in and perform even the most basic of transactions. For those of you who don’t know what a Secure Key is - it’s basically a little device (like a chip and pin pad) that gives you a unique number to use every time you want to log in. Or transfer money. Or make a bill payment. Or do anything at all. Surely the existence of a Secure Key defeats the very purpose of internet banking, right? Because, where previously all you needed was access to a computer, now you have to tote around your Secure Key wherever you go. And if you have to take your Secure Key with you, along with your bank cards, it’s actually less secure. And more of a pain in the arse.

Some of you will think I’m over-reacting.
“It’s just another form of security to help protect our money” you may cry.
First of all, dry your eyes, it’s not that dramatic.
Secondly, if the banks genuinely wanted to protect your money they wouldn’t have gambled it away so recklessly causing a world-wide recession (Boom! Take that, banks!)
Thirdly, the fraud squad (or whatever they’re called) at the banks do a great job of keeping your accounts secure - when things seem out of the ordinary, I’ve received a call questioning the purchase/withdrawl, confirmed it and all has gone back to normal. I had my details stolen once - the following conversation then took place:

“We’re just going to go through your recent transactions”
“Ok”
“£10.75 - Tescos in Seven Sisters”
“Yup, that sounds about right”
“£6.20 - TFL. Seven Sisters”
“Again, probably true. I do travel”
“£3.50 - Tuna Nicoise sandwich from Pret a Manger on Charing Cross Road”
“Definitely me”
“£500 cash withdrawl. Germany”
“Um. Nope. Don’t think I did that one”
“You didn’t withdraw £500 from a cashpoint in Germany?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Well, I’ve never been to Germany in my life, so pretty sure”
“You’ve never been to Germany?”
“No”
“Are you sure?”
“Is that something people generally forget?”
“In which case your card details may have been stolen”
“Looks like”
“We’ll get that sorted for you”
“If you would, thanks”

There’s a point in the life of new technology where it eventually becomes circular. We’ll become so obsessed with internet security that our money will have to be kept under lock and key and the only way we’ll be able to access it is by visiting the bank, in person, with our debit card, proof of address and two forms of identification. So, y’know, 20 years ago.