Ok, first of all I’m going to clarify that title before it’s leapt upon by predatory nerds across the country thinking I’m qualifying their use of the Personal Digital Assistant. I’m not. We’ve all got Personal Digital Assistants (they’re called mobile phones) and we’re fully aware of their advantages (constant communication with everyone around us) and their pitfalls (constant communication with everyone around us).
No, I’m referring to Public Displays of Affection, or PDAs. I’m immediately aware that PDAs is an ineffective initialization - surely it should be PDsA, you cry! Well, yes, it should, but it looks rubbish, so shush.
So, I received a text message from a friend this morning which annoyed me for two reasons. Firstly, I received it in the morning. I’ll forgive the occasional text at 8am from my bank as it’s probably unaware of my skewed sleeping patterns, but I thought all of my friends knew that I operate on a 4am-12pm system. I think it’s a throw-back to when I first left home and realised I could go to bed whenever I wanted - I still get that same sense of glee when the clock moves beyond midnight and I’m wide awake. I feel that, while all others are in bed and unconscious, I’m vigilant and alert. Y’know, like Batman.
The second reason this text irked me was because it contained the following:
“Two people are snacking on each other on my train. FFS.”
Apart from the admittedly hilarious image of two individuals “snacking on each other” (which calls to mind some kind of sexy lunchbox-based snap-pot scenario), I wasn’t quite sure what response my friend was hoping for, as we’ve had this discussion before and I have no issue with PDAs. I think it’s perfectly acceptable and lovely to see two people kissing. Well done them. They’ve found love. It’s nice.
I thought “Perhaps they’re practically having sex on this train while all my friend wants to do is flip through her stylish magazine”. I texted back such thoughts.
“No, they’re just kissing.”
Right. So kissing is distasteful to you, is it?
“I just don’t want to see that kind of thing at 8 in the morning”.
Ah, so it’s the time that’s offensive? Seeing people openly display affection is something that should be reserved for afternoons and evenings? Or perhaps only the hours between 1am and 5am, so it’s well out of the faces of normal, respectable people on their way to work? Maybe you could send round a spreadsheet detailing the prime non-abhorrent time for kissing one’s partner, then we would all be better off? Possibly a rota system might be an effective tool in combating this unsightly evil?
“It would be alright if they were attractive, but they’re both ugly as sin.”
Of course. As with everything in the world, it’s all perfectly acceptable as long as it involves the attractive members of the human species. We should have seen this coming - I mean, this dictum has been practically spelled out to us in every single Hollywood movie ever released. Things like kissing on trains, saving the world and perhaps one day finding true love with the prostitute you just ordered, are reserved for the good-looking folk amongst us, not the normal to fugly faction of society.
“And they’re old”
Uh-huh. Old people are the worst. I remember when I was 10 and I had that attitude to my parents - “Eurgh! Mum! Dad! Stop kissing. It‘s gross”. Think I grew out of that just about the time I started to realise that “Eugh! Girls? Gross!” had developed into “Mmmm! Girls! Pretty!” (and it doesn’t ever get more developed than that, I’m sorry to say).
Now, my friend is 23, so maybe puberty is setting in late for her, so I’m willing to let all this slide (aren’t I nice?) But, this scenario does remind me of one of the well-advised campaigns that “The Sun” or “The Daily Mail” set out on a few years back - I can’t remember which paper it was and, due to the aforementioned 8am text, I’m too tired to bother to check up on my facts (unlike The Sun and The Daily Mail who, I’ve heard, are fastidious fact-checkers). Anyway, the campaign was to ban PDAs. To ban kissing in public. Good idea, right? I assume that next came the campaign for banning public hand-holding. Disgusting, perverted hand-holding. Like they do in those porno films. They then decided to ban touching of any kind, just to be on the safe side. We don’t want our kids to think that any kind of affection directed towards any kind of living thing is acceptable behaviour. What kind of deviant society would we be if we did that? Then came the inevitable campaign to ban babies - they’re the end product of a chain of events that starts with PDAs; let’s ban babies! And then we’re China. Seems like an effective use of The Sun’s time and influence.
So what am I saying with all this? I think it’s probably that we as a society could benefit massively from developing beyond our childish “Eurgh! Kissing? Gross!” attitude and accept that, surrounded by reports of war, recession and murder as we are, affection and love is exactly what we need to see on the train to work at 8am.
Also, I once got chucked out of a pub for kissing, so screw them.
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